The words still don't come easily for me, "I am a single mother." My baby turns one today. Since he was four months old, I have been a "single" mom, who is also
raising a 3 year old. Was raising my children as head of household planned? No, absolutely not. But, it's a reality. Would I trade these wonderful gifts to avoid the feelings of pain and betrayal I am now dealing with? NEVER! I look at my two beautiful, healthy boys and think I'm the luckiest woman in the world. I also look at myself in the mirror after leaving for work at 6 AM and getting home at 7:30 PM, and ask, "Why me?" 

My father, a marriage and family therapist, asks me, "Are you keeping your feet moving?" " I am trying, or I think so," are my usual responses. The best thing I, or anyone new to this situation, can do is keep moving. Try to stay positive. When it all gets to be too much for me, I sink into a chair exhausted and allow myself to cry in the dark after the kids are asleep. 

The end result and common thread of being a single parent is that there's no blueprint or outline to follow to help you construct this new life. Each persons journey through it is different. We must accept that we have not, nor will we probably ever handle all the situations correctly. 

I sent Caleb, my 3 year old, to stay with Grandma and Grandpa for 2 weeks, to give him a break. I also felt I needed time for myself and time to allow me to get to know my baby. It was wonderful for all of us. I talked to him every night, and my sister put my picture beside his bed so he could see me. He did say to my Mother, "My Mommy looks so pretty, and she looks so happy. My Mommy is not happy very much anymore, she cries a lot." Big wake up call for me. 

Get it together! 

The one thing that is a constant work in motion is trying to stay positive and upbeat in front of the kids. My 3 year old wants to make sense of something even I as an adult cannot. One of the best things I have found is to reassure him that none of it is his fault, and I am here for him all the time. We must make sure that we are not making our children feel like they are responsible for our emotional well being. I do not use phrases like you make Mommy so happy, or that made Mommy angry. That is a lot of power to give a small child, control over an adults behavior. I try to stay calm, and most of all present a front of stability, even though at times I have one hand on the phone ready to book my padded cell at Bellevue. 

Sanity comes in several forms. I have friends! You find out who the true ones are when you are in need I have one who is a "Rock of Gibraltar" and has officially been adopted. I have family! Phone calls from them at various intervals in my week to offer the needed comfort of a shoulder to cry on, as well as a dose of good advice to get me through. There's my church. As a single mom with two small children who could not really verbalize "Happy Mother's Day," I was touched beyond words when members of my church left flowers and perfume on my porch as a gift on the special holiday. 

I went to my boss at work and shared what was going on in my life, as well as those I work with, who I knew could possibly be affected by my sudden life change. My boss gave me the comfort of knowing that the company would support me in every way possible. Job stability at this time is very important. Do not under value it. 

Like me, I am sure you are rediscovering yourself. I have found it rewarding to make myself get out and do the things I used to love to do. I started playing on a volleyball team, and am now on the company softball team. I have always enjoyed and participated. Funny how so many of us lose sight of what we enjoy, in the midst of trying to be the all-American wife, mother and employee. Pace yourself! The hardest part about rediscovering me was realizing that although it was taking time away from my kids, it was helping me to be more positive, and like myself again. 

It's a hard thing to do, to make yourself get out there, when sometimes all you want to do is curl up into a ball of oblivion. I also attended my first M.O.M.S. function, at the beach. I got there late, and was hesitant to go, since I was out of my comfort zone, and not knowing anyone. There were Moms and Dads, all with children of all ages. We roasted marshmallows, and enjoyed the company of people who had been strangers, but felt like old friends, because of the common bond of being a single parent. 


A Note From The Editor:

Thank you Alyssa for sharing the hurt, pain, hardships and most of all the success of dealing with all these emotions while adjusting to your new role of "single parent." For the majority of us, it doesn't come naturally. I want to praise and encourage you and others who are new to this situation. Do the best that you can and ask for help wherever you can. We are here for you and hope that you lean on us for support. 

If you have questions, need a shoulder to cry on or want to share a good day, M.O.M.S. is here for you. Remember ... 

Together We Can & Will Make A Difference