Topnotch mechanic John Penny had always relied on manuals to solve his problems. For fifteen years, whenever faced with an unfamiliar mechanical problem, John would turn to his manuals for answers. In all those years it never failed. He found the answers to his problems hidden within the heavy bound books.

Six years ago, John was confronted with problems, which no manual in the world had the answers to. As a matter of fact, John found that there are no answers anywhere to the questions he had.

How to raise three children on his own? How to be a mom when you're a dad? How to survive the exhaustion that single parenting creates? How to provide three children, each with his/her own handicap, the attention they require and need? No, he was on his own here. One day at a time.

I met John Penny four years ago. He was a happy-go-lucky type of guy who laughed easily and had a great sense of humor. John had been divorced for nearly three years when we met. Meeting John, you would never guess the load he carries. He doesn't complain or shows signs of being negative or bitter. John's a nice, easy-going man who would love to meet someone special to share his life with. He still believes in "love." Which in light of his experiences is incredible.

After relocating from McHenry, Illinois, John and wife Debra had three children in San Diego, California. John remembers, "We bought our first home together and earned enough equity to put a substantial down payment on the purchase of first our second home, and then our third home." A huge four bedroom house on an acre and a half in an upper middle class neighborhood here in Escondido, California. "Our children attended good schools and both Debra and I worked. We made enough money to live pretty comfortable", says John. On one side of them lived a dentist with his wife and family, on the other, an electrical contractor who resides half the year in France. Life was good. They were living the American dream.

"We got along just like any other couple. We had a few downs, but mostly ups," shares John "Until thirteen years into the marriage, when out of the blue, Debra’s grandmother died. She inherited a half a million dollars".

John says, "Debra became a different person immediately. She started partying a lot. Lots of drinking and drugs".

John pleaded with Debra to go to a marriage counselor because the impact of her "out-of-control" behavior was affecting not only the marriage, but their family as well. John’s face registered sadness when he told me "I would come home and find Timmy locked out of the house while Debra was strung out on drugs and drinking heavily. She didn’t want to deal with the responsibilities of being a mother." At John’s insistence, Debra attended one session with the marriage counselor and then refused to go again.

"Debra wouldn't open up to the counselor and denied having a drug or alcohol problem." John continued to attend counseling sessions alone for three or four months, already practicing the role of a single parent.

It was during this time that John came home to find his wife in his bed with a man ten years her junior. After the confrontation (John’s face tenses up a bit when he explains), "Debra abandoned us and took up residence with the guy I found her in bed with." Now John truly found himself in the role of single dad with three children to raise; Timmy, three years old and deaf; Matt, five years old and although John didn't know the medical term of Matt’s disorder at the time, he was shortly thereafter diagnosed with A.D.D.; Amanda, seven at the time her mother left and at nine years of age was diagnosed with thyroid cancer (which took a turn and went into her lungs).

"Debra was paying $400 a month. Inheritance is not subject to child support," John continues. This resulted in John struggling to maintain his children's standard of living. According to John, "Debra bought a nice new home, a half a dozen race horses and took vacations. She even bought herself a new Mitsubishi GTO sportscar while I was struggling to make ends meet."

Debra's new home is twenty minutes from John and the kids. John has spoken to her only a couple of times in the last six years. He called her when Amanda was diagnosed with cancer and told her "You need to spend some time with Amanda, while you still can." John's voice changes as he says, "In the three years that Amanda has had cancer, Debra has only shown up at the hospital once, during one of Amanda’s treatments. And then she promised Amanda that she would come back the following day, but never showed up."

The kids have telephoned and written letters to their mom. "Debra has made the choice not to participate in the kids lives", says John. "She doesn't even speak to her own mother." He believes that "she feels guilty." How could she not? He hurts for his kids and the emotions they have suffered on her account and wishes that she would recognize the damage she has done.

John's week typically includes, sign a language class for the entire family, followed by dropping the kids off at two different schools and doctors appointments for Amanda in the afternoon. Toss in occasional telephone calls from Matt’s school, regarding behavior, haircut appointments for the kids when needed, grocery and clothing shopping, which seem never ending at this growing age, maintaining the property surrounding his home, cleaning and assistance with homework and you have one incredibly busy man.

Although his parents live in Colorado John is fortunate enough to have his sister Lisa in the area. There was a time, when the kids were younger that John depended heavily on Lisa’s assistance in getting the kids to and from school and day care. I called Lisa and asked her what she had to say about her brother. "It's incredible the way John has proved what a great father he is through all the tough circumstances in his life. Amanda’s cancer, Timothy’s deafness and Matt’s emotional problems are more than most two parent families can handle and I am very proud of John for his abilities to manage and balance his and the kids lives."

John Penny is a participating member of M.O.M.S., one of several single custodial dads who are a part of our growing organization. If you would like to write John, send your letter to M.O.M.S. 475 College Blvd., Suite 6-176, Oceanside, CA 92057-5512  

If you have questions, need a shoulder to cry on or want to share a good day, M.O.M.S. is here for you. Remember ... 

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