Want to know what the future holds?
This is the place to turn for the real truth about what all those planets, suns, moons and the wall of that little shack in Calcutta, where village children discovered an impression of the Virgin Mary playing "It's My Party And I'll Cry If I Want To" on the accordion, mean to you.
ARIES: (March 21-April 19)
The 17th and 22nd will be lucrative for you this month. Too bad the
1st through the 16th and the 18th through the 21st will be riddled
with unforeseen expenses. However, things will improve from the 23rd
through the end of the month. Except for the 24th, when you might
experience mechanical problems and the 26th which you will not be
feeling at your best. Unpredictable days include the 3rd, 7th and
11th. The morning of the 14th might be a little iffy. But by the evening
of the 15th things will look much better, compared to the 12th and
the 19th. If on the 2nd, you're unsure of how accurate this horoscope
is, wait until the 28th. Oh, by the way, your lucky number this
month is 1.
TAURUS: (April 20-May 20)
With great determination, A LOT of patience, extremely good medical
coverage, ample support from family members, cooperation from your
children, minimal expectations from your employer and an "I could
give a hoot!", attitude, you just might make it through this
month. On the other hand..... you might not!
GEMINI: (May 21-June 20)
You will experience severe mood swings this month. Just like last
month, the month before that and the month before that and the month
before that.
CANCER: (June 21-July 22)
This month you will finally meet that "Someone Special"!
That "Someone" that you've waited your whole life to meet.
That perfect soul mate who only comes along once in a lifetime. That
one individual that will make you whole! Unfortunately, your child
will throw a temper tantrum immediately after you say "Hello"
to each other and all chance of it turning into a long term relationship
will be lost forever.
LEO: (July 23-August 22)
Last year was the year of the monkey, the year before that, the year
of the dog. Prior years included the year of the tiger, ram, dragon
and rat. As soon as the year of the ass comes around, you're in business,
unless you start really doing those aerobic workouts, girlfriend.
VIRGO: (August 23-September 22)
This is the month that you will achieve your dream. That's right,
you know, the one where you are on a beautiful Caribbean island, surrounded
by lush greenery, being fanned by natives and waited on hand and foot
by gorgeous island creatures, who will be dressed only the barest
of tropical island wear. Enjoy the dream....no matter what you achieve,
it's still just a dream. Sorry.
LIBRA: (September 23-October 22)
Every cloud has a silver lining....And boy could you use a silver lining
this month. Come to think of it, you could use a little cloud, a little
sky, a little sympathy, a little cash, a little understanding, a little
break, a little chocolate, a little clue that this just isn't
your month.
SCORPIO: (October 23-November 21)
Scorpions beware. That old boyfriend you've dreamed of for years,
the one that has always had a little piece of your heart, has been
reincarnated. To bad for you, it is a cross reincarnation with that
of your ex. So be on your toes for new men in your life. It's a Jekyl—Hyde
kind of thing.
SAGITTARIUS: (November 22-December 21)
You will be on a shopping spree this month. All new clothes. It doesn't
matter that you can't afford them. Throw all credit card caution to
the wind....Why? Because that 10lbs you gained is really showing and
you can't fit into anything in your closet. Of course, this
means next months horoscope won't read much better for you either.
CAPRICORN: (December 21-January 19)
There are those with luck and those without. In past years, you've
always been one to cry out that you have no luck at...well, this is
your month, you're really moving up the ladder, I'm happy
that you are only two steps away from Good Luck...you have just moved
up one step to bad luck.
AQUARIUS: (January 20-February 18)
When the moon is in the seventh planet and Jupiter aligns with Mars.
Then peace will guide the planets and love will see the stars. This
is the dawning of the age of Aquarius and unfortunately, you slept
in today.
PISCES: (February 19 - March 20)
We are sorry that someone stole your Pisces last month. I'm sorry
to inform you that it's happened again!