When we began writing the book STEPWIVES, we asked our son, then a 16 year old honors student, to write a little introduction explaining how it felt to have been a child of divorce since the tender age of four. This is what he said: "To most people, my situation may look a little weird. To me, however, this is everyday life. I hardly give it a second thought. I don’t think this whole conflict has affected me much. They, for the most part, kept me in the dark about all the squabbles."

Mothers! Fathers! Stepmothers! Stepfathers! Stop fighting and start UNITING. Look beyond yourselves and you will see that if YOU RAISE THE KIDS IN COMMON, YOU WILL RAISE UNCOMMON KIDS: Girls who have learned that although life includes losses they cannot control, they can recover and go on to lead happy lives; boys who have learned that even though their parents had personal differences, they valued them enough to overcome their differences and PUT THE KIDS FIRST. And though we in no way advocate divorce, we feel that children of divorce actually have the opportunity to learn incredible life lessons about self control, respect and selfless love... if and when parents handle themselves responsibly. Thus, they learn the lesson best expressed in the saying: "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade."

So how did we, two women who loathed each other, manage to go beyond our petty differences and PUT THE KID FIRST? Well, truthfully, it was all set up before there was a STEPWIFE in the picture. The divorce was about as ugly as they get, but our child was never involved in, or exposed to, the fighting. We used the same lawyer, there was no court hearing, there were no custody battles, and most of all, there was no badmouthing (well, there was plenty, just not in front of our son). He was told that our loving relationship simply did not work out. That’s it! There was no blaming, no bashing (in front of him), and we both dedicated ourselves to keeping him out of the volcano of hurt and misery that erupted after the divorce. He was our child, and we protected him. Why should he have to pay for our mistakes?

We felt that a boy needs his father as much as he needs his mother, so against all odds, we decided on 50/50 joint custody. And because we were so angry with each other, to make this “too close for comfort” relationship work, we set up guidelines which we followed religiously. We worked hard to present our son with as few upheavals as possible. We kept him in the same school after the divorce even though it required extra driving; shared the same baby-sitter between houses; and set up a fully operating bedroom at both mom's and dad’s house, so that no matter where he was, he felt like he was "home." We kept his rules and routines as similar as possible at both houses and followed through with punishments at each other’s houses when he misbehaved. And although we didn’t have things exactly the way we wanted them in our own homes, the benefit of this consistency came back to us tenfold.

With the use of these guidelines, we reached a certain comfort level in our divorce - that is, until the "Man in the Middle" remarried. With the addition of his new wife, all the old anger resurfaced with a vengeance. Now, the playing field felt really uneven. As an ex-wife who didn’t want to share her child, and a stepmother searching to find her role in a ready made family, we were faced with problems we were totally unprepared for. We struggled with resentments, jealousies, and control issues, as well as with the inevitable feelings of "She’s taking all my friends away" or "It’s just not fair, I’m always being compared to her"... but still, our son never knew. If these emotions were so difficult for us “grown-ups” to deal with, how could we expect a young child to handle them? We couldn’t, and for the most part, we didn’t. Instead, the "Man in the Middle" worked hard to strike a peaceful balance between the warring STEPWIVES. Even though it was difficult, the new person on the co-parenting team stepped up to her role and enhanced the parenting program already in place by putting aside many of her own feelings. And the ex-wife gave up part of her position to help ease the child into his new family, even though it hurt.

Now don’t get us wrong. We are not now, nor have we ever been, saints. We made lots of mistakes before realizing that the way we behaved would affect our son for the rest of his life, and therefore the rest of our lives. We are just ordinary people who held on to the belief that childhood is an important and sacred time that must be guarded at all costs. And although we had to share a very small space by being the ex-wife and second wife of the same man (not simultaneously, of course), we managed to somehow ignore our conflicts and PUT THE KID FIRST. Now, positioned here just before the dawning of the new millennium, we offer hope to all of you who are caught up in the same hateful struggles that plagued our lives for 10 years. And if we can co-parent, so can you!  


A Note From The Editor:

Lynne and Louise are STEPWIVES, co-authors of the soon to be published book by the same name. They, along with Dr. Marji Krausz, have developed a Do It Yourself Fix-It-Plan designed to end the war between STEPWIVES, so they can learn to co-parent in a healthy manner, and move on to become CoMamas. They have founded the worldwide CoMamas Association, and teach their techniques at seminars, workshops and through private E-mail or phone consultations. Visit them at www.comamas.com  

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