Whether you’ve just become single or have been single for a long time, there will most likely come a time when a new romantic relationship will surface in your life. My experience with many single parents is that they try not to think about dating because of the complex implications of adding another person to the already complicated family equation that may include forced relationships with ex-spouses, ex-in-laws, new step-parents, etc. An interesting thing happens, however, the longer single parents stay single and focus on raising their children - they become stronger, wiser, and more self-reliant - all qualities that make them more desirable to the opposite sex!

I remember the months directly preceding my dating experience with my new husband. I was working part-time, going to school full-time, focusing on being a good parent, and generally was feeling more confident than I had ever felt before in my abilities to actually be a successful single parent. I had even made a vow that I really didn’t need a man in my life and that it would be okay to remain single, at least until my kids were grown and gone. Then, this man walked into my life who had been single himself for 14 years and we began a great friendship that quickly turned into more. At first, I fought what I was feeling because I was afraid to make a commitment to another man after I had come so far in my personal life. So, I began to ask myself some important questions, such as:

Does this person add quality to my family’s life? In other words, will we be missing out on something wonderful if I walk away from him? · Am I a better "Me" with him than I am without him? · Does he encourage me to be better and is he secure enough in himself to want me to succeed and excel in life along side him? The more I got to know him, the more I realized the answer to all three questions was "Yes."

What happens if you enter a dating relationship without thinking about what you expect from a relationship? It can be disaster. I talked to a woman recently who said she nearly married a man she had been dating for several months before she, by chance, found out that he was an Atheist, a belief far from her traditional religious background. Many painful conversations led them to go their separate ways, leaving them both feeling hurt and confused. Sometimes the love bug can hit us without being prepared, and for some strange reason, we decide to give our all to a person we hardly know. The best way to avoid this is to approach your dating experiences with a more pro-active attitude. Here are a few suggestions:

Devise a dating "mission statement." This doesn’t have to be elaborate, but just something that outlines what you expect. State why you want to date and what you are looking for. For example, "I want to date other people to experience the companionship and fellowship that comes with interaction with the opposite sex. I am not looking for a marital relationship, but one that enhances my life and adds value to it." Maybe you are looking for marriage - if so, say that and say what type of person would make a good partner for you.

Make dating rules for yourself. Maybe you will decide not to become sexually involved while dating or accept an invitation just because you feel lonely or down. Decide how and when you will involve your children in your new relationship, how much time apart from your date you need to spend for individual growth, and how much time you should date one person before talking about marriage (many experts suggest going through all four seasons with a person first). Will you date only while your children are away at the other parent’s house or will you take time away from them to date? Once you’ve devised your list of rules, you don’t necessarily need to share them all on the first date! However, you need to be confident in how you feel so that when a situation arises, you can tell your date that this is a rule you have set for yourself.

Talk about your values. When you find yourself dating the same person repeatedly, begin sharing your morals, values, hopes, and dreams with that person to test his or her feelings and thoughts. My fiancé and I actually started a journal in which we asked weighty questions and both responded in writing about how we felt. For example, "What political party do you align yourself with and why?". It was both therapeutic and practical for us each to express how we felt and talk about those feelings later. You don’t have to do it in writing, but at least decide what in life is important to you and what might be a likely topic of argument after you’re married.

Many single parents who have had bad experiences in past relationships may say there simply aren’t any "good men" or "nice women" left in the world. I disagree. Everyone is unique and the person who would be an absolute disaster for me to date or marry, may be your perfect match. The key is to know yourself so you can decide who will enhance your life. Love may be blind, but you can go into it with at least one eye open by making your dating plan today.  


A Note From The Editor:

Diane Chambers is a registered divorce mediator in Atlanta, Georgia and author of Solo Parenting: Raising Strong & Happy Families (Fairview Press, $12.95). To order a copy, call 1-800-544-8207. She is available to field questions from single parents via e-mail at solemom@aol.com.

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